Againts the odds

One of my best friends asked me yesterday, ‘why have you not asked me to forget all about him?’

She’s fallen for a man who has a reputation to sleep with anything in a skirt. He’s also known to have a big ego. On top of that, he’s of a different race and religion. Everybody tells her to forget about him, that it’s a bad idea to get involved with somebody like that.

I know how it feels like to love someone that seems all wrong, to have all odds againsts you. Yet, instincts tells you that it’s right to continue loving them.

I believe in the goodness of people. I believe in karma, that the universe works in ways that we might not necessarily understand. I also believe that when you give, you receive something- sometimes in multiples.

I believe in love, I think it can overcome a lot of things.
I believe in loving, because it fulfills you in ways that nothing else can.

I believe in instincts, and I believe that we should all have courage to stand up for what we think is right.

In instances like this, we have all the reasons to give up and forget all about it. She doesn’t need me to point out how wrong it is. Should it turn out to be a bad decision, she would soon learn and she would understand, and make better choices in the future. For now, there’s still a chance it would turn out right.

To love is to have courage, to stare your fears down.
After all, what’s life without a few risks?

Love

Today I broke the news to my boss, known to many as somebody that is incredibly unreasonable, that I am leaving the company to walk a path that would someday lead me back to school to study economics and politics. Under normal circumstances, she would have said how frivolous studying for fun would be, and how silly I am for letting a good opportunity (promotion) pass by. Yet, she didn’t.

Instead, she told me to follow my heart, not to compromise and to not let that fire die. I know that these words came from her heart, and they rose out of genuine concern and affection for me.

My collegue, one whom I have a lot of respect for knew that I wanted time to think about taking the promotion. I asked her today, ‘what did your instincts tell you about me and that promotion?’ She replied, ‘I knew you’d say no’. That too, came out of love and respect for me as an individual. I guess she believes that I know what I want, and what I want is good for me.

These are the people that I work with, and people that have thought me to love, and people that I have taught how to love. Once, I asked for sponsorship to go for Famine 30, an event where friends and family sponsor me to fast for 30 hours. Money raised would go to building a better future for impoverished children. When I returned to work on Monday after the famine, someone told me that at every meal she took that weekend, she thought of me and the children I was fasting for.

I realize from then, that if you look closely at people, you will see how much capacity people have to love. Yet, many fear love – both receiving love and giving love. Little do they realise that it is those who reach out to give love, that gains the most from love.

This is.....

Over the past few days, I made the biggest decision of my adult life. I decided to bite the bullet, and start on a path that dares me to be all that I can be.

I received an offer to work in a multinational company that I know very little about, but promises a lot of opportunities to travel, work in other parts of the world, and work in other fields besides finance. This opportunity requires me to pack up my life in KL and move to small town Miri.

The universe works in strange ways. One day after I got that offer, I was offered a promotion in my current company to work with a new division, in a new post that would be challenging, financially rewarding and fun. I would get to travel the region and eventually move on to another position in another location around Asia.

So there I was, torn between two choices. I had to choose between sliding into the known, or venturing into the unknown and giving up on that opportunity to travel and see South East Asia.

I have chosen to take my chances, and go with the unknown.
Now that I have, I finally feel at peace with me.

This is my shot at renewal. This is me, saying ‘damn you world, don’t tell me what I cannot do!’
This is me walking down the path that would lead me towards going back to university again, to study history, or political science, economics, or maybe even geography.

This is me, setting precedence for me to do something own my own and for myself.
This is my first step in becoming a global citizen, like I’ve always wanted to.

This is me, acknowledging that much as I love KL, my friends and my family; my mind and my spirit feels trapped here. Limited. That does not mean I love them any less.

Above all that, this is me leaving a part of me behind, and letting the other part of me grow in ways I never allowed it to grow.

Time Flies

Oh, how it flies.

I apologise for not having written anything for such a long time. I think, in some ways, I am almost afraid to hear and read what I think. Hehe, am I making sense?

Jobs. That is the thing that has been on my mind.
Jobs, and why I am miserable working. Why so many of us are miserable at work. I could not reconcile my love for commerce to the misery of working. I mean, I love the business realms - the ideas, the possibilities and the brilliance that comes out of it. Yet, the practice of business bores me. On good days, I come home without feeling disgruntled. On bad days, I come home feeling that I had wasted a perfectly good day, doing something without a purpose.

My mother rang today, and in my efforts to explain to her why I am not Little Miss Happy with work and all that goes around it, I reconciled my love for business and my misery of going to work.

The commercial realm is one that is supposed to be endless. There is no limit to how much organisations can create and achieve. Yet, people in organisations fear that open end. People in organisations find boxes to contain and to understand. As a result, people in organisations build a cage and then, they ask you to reach for the skies.

That, that cage, is my problem with the commercial realm. My spirits are far too big. I am growing restless in my cage.

Change

People are essentially good, my mum says.

Sometimes, we forget how insignificant actions make significant impacts.

I was having a late cuppa with my friend in Bangsar, when I saw this old woman carrying two heavy baskets. One contained a packets of kerepek ubi, another basket contained packets of kuih siput. This old woman is small and frail, her calves were only as big as my wrists.

From where I was sitting, I saw this old woman walk past night clubs and eateries trying to sell her goodies, but nobody wanted them. The couple at the table next to where we were sitting refused her, so I called her over.

'Nek. Apa yang nenek jual ni?'
Grandma, what are you selling?

'Kerepek Ubi, nak. Ambil lah, tiga RM5. '
Potato chips. Why don't you take 3 packets for 5 ringgit.

I bought 3 packets of kerepek ubi, and an amazing thing happened.
The couple next to my table bought 6 packets. The young man two tables away bought 3 packets. Within 10 minutes, Nenek walked past my table again, this time both her baskets empty.

We tend to forget that somebody has to start.
We have to start internalising the fact that insignificant actions can result in significant changes.

Love

Love and pain may sometimes come hand in hand.
Love and growth can sometimes come hand in hand.
Love and letting go, must sometimes come hand in hand.

My favourite movie of all time has always been 'My best friend's wedding.'
Its always intrigued me - how is it that Mike loves Kimmy and Julianne?
How does it work?

I mean, Kimmy knows that Mike loves Julianne.
Mike loves Julianne, and they share so much in common so how is it that he chooses Kimmy as his wife, not Julianne?

Love really isn't measurable. It comes in all shapes, sizes and dimensions. I guess its like a jigsaw puzzle, some pieces fit and some don't, but all the pieces are part of the same picture.

Love and letting go, they sometimes must go hand in hand.
In any instance, the fact that love came to your heart is reason enough to celebrate.

Graphology

I told myself today, that I need to start writing again.

I went to the EPF department yesterday, and was outraged by the service I got. They’ve implemented new self service kiosks, with big taglines on every touch-screen. ‘You are our priority’, it says. 7 out of 10 times, the kiosks did not work and none of the customer service representatives noticed the problem. The customer service counter is next to the self service, you are our priority, kiosks.

Then I read something in the papers that pissed me off. And then I read some more, got pissed some more, and read on and got pissed even more.

The old me is back. The fiery one. And gosh, I miss that woman.

I believe in horoscopes, feng shui, numerology, crystals, signs and graphology. I believe in dreams, in fate, in karma and variables in life. ‘A British friend calls it the hocus-pocus, there goes the Chinese girl again.’

Well, call it what you want. I draw a line between faith and confidence, and in all things I mentioned above, feng shui, horoscopes….. I have confidence that these are things that affect our lives.

2 years ago, I went to the bank to withdraw money from a fixed deposit account only, only to find that mysteriously, my signature has changed. The g turned into a G. The line that cuts across the name disappeared. The signature now slants upwards, but ends with a dot.

The dot seems insignificant. Hocus pocus.

A wider signature, like the now capital G, is good. It shows that the mind has broadened. The line that used to cut across the name was a sign of insecurity. It’s gone now, replaced by full stop. That dot concerned me the most. There’s a upward slant, a sign of ambition and dream. And then, dot. A full stop, a censor, a limit, a stop.

We all do that. We draw stops to our full potential. There are always possibilities for failure, things to take care of, mouths to feed, expectations to meet, fear.

‘We should never regret choices we’ve made’, my boss tells me.

‘Don’t worry, you are doing what you should be doing’, that’s what my colleagues tell me.

‘That’s normal, we aren’t there yet’, my friends tell me.

But my old fiery self reminds me, ‘You can do better than this’.

I agree, we should never regret choices we’ve made. That is why it’s important that we choose wisely at every juncture that we come to.

However, it is even more important to realize if and when you’ve taken a wrong turn, and then get your ass back on track.

Collin's wisdom

One of my favourite Pride and Prejudice chapters must be the part when Mr Collins proposes to Elizabeth - Collins professing the 'violence of his affections'.

I have heard many different views on love and relationships.

A good friend cites that love is a process of being shaped, and a relationship is how much you allow yourself to be shaped.

My friend's father says that relationships has got everything to do with 'yuen fen'. Fate.
He says that when 2 people are meant to be together, everything happens so fast that you really don't know when or how it all started.

Another interesting take on love - an old Jewish couple (who survived the Holoucast) my friends met in Prague said that in times of war and desperation, you don't have anything else. All you have is love and each other.

So what is it?
Is it companionship?
Is it a fullfillment of needs?
Or is it all of the above- companionship, being shaped, fate, a fullfillment of needs?
Where does 'violence of affection' come in?
Does it even come into the picture?

One of my favourite movies is 'Walk the Line'. I remember the scene where June Carter and her parents pointed a shotgun at the drug dealer to stop him from giving Johnny any more drugs. I also remember the scene where Johnny Cash proposed while singing on stage.
' June,' he says, 'I've asked you 25 different times but I have just got to ask you again...'

I am a sentimental fool. I want that!

I want somebody who would fight for me.
I want somebody who would fight for me, fight me and fight with me.
Blame it on Judith McNaught and Nora Roberts, but I believe that when you love someone,
you fight for it. You'd go against the odds. You don't take no for an answer because you know you deserve more. You'd want more. You'd take risks. You'll fight with each other because you'd want the other person to be all that he/she can be.

You won't be able to supress your affections. Everytime you (try to)push it away, it comes back and bites you in the ass. That's the 'violence of affections' I want.

I've tried.
I've tried compromising, but sub-standard is just not my style.

Return

Hi. i am back. Sorry for the long absense.

The past few months have been a trial for me. I really don't want to go into detail (because it'll be a very long story) but here's a summary of what has happened.

1. I passed my TOPCIMA, the last paper of the CIMA qualification. This means that when I fulfill the criterions for the working experience, I will be a qualified management accountant.

2. My aunt was diagnosed with cervical cancer and my uncle (her husband) had first stage kidney failure and a serious problem with kidney stones. They are both well now, my aunt had an operation to remove her cervix and womb, my uncle is closely monitored and is much better now. =)

3. I moved into my new place and am now still adjusting to living on my own (Love it!), waking up earlier to go to work and managing the finances and responsibilities of a house. I am putting some finishing touches to the house, so its still not quite complete!

4.There is finally(!!!) a new good looking chemist in my company. Rendevous in the laboratory after work seems a little more feasible now.

I am well. Happy and looking forward to what's ahead of me. I have finally learned how to manage my problems, finally found my passions, finally able to listen to my gut and fight for things that I want and care about. Nope, no man in my life. Just me.

Aye. I am happy now, happier than i have been for a long time.